Order of The Golden Dawn
Year 824, Twelfthmonth, Day 6 – Firesday
I don’t normally write in the morning, but last night, on watch, Bryte told me to stop avoiding him. I summoned all my anger and told him to stop insulting me and touching me inappropriately. He said he was sorry for insulting me, but said I shouldn’t deny liking his touch. I told him I didn’t and he touched my thigh again. I slapped his hand away and turned around. He played with the back of my neck and I snapped. I drew my sword on him. It was stupid, I know, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. He said he knew the truth about how I felt and I yelled at him. I don’t even remember what I said, but he grabbed my wrist and slapped me. He said something and I told him I hated him. After that…he pulled me toward him and kissed me!
It…was my first kiss and I…tingled. His lips were so soft, not at all what I expected and he tasted sweet. My mind was reeling and I didn’t know what to think. After the kiss ended, he said we should get back to watch. I agreed and he stopped me again. When I looked back to him, he said if I ever drew a weapon against him again…he would kill me.
I think something is wrong with him. I can’t think of anything else. I don’t know if I love him or hate him. Does he care about me? Or does he just enjoy messing with me? I don’t know what to do. When my watch was over, I lay awake for a long time. The tears wouldn’t stop. I hate the very man I love.